I’ll try to elaborate on a thought I was having while on the bus from Nai Yang (beach resort area) to Ban Nyang (middle of nowhere). Simply stated: Wherever you go, you are always you. Wherever you go, other people are always, well people. People with the same universal human needs. We want to be fed, sheltered, loved, and appreciated. We have desires, wants, grievances, music, smells (oh do we ever)… and the list goes on. We all have a common desire to be understood and respected, and in that way we all share a common language despite the struggles that show on our tongues.
However, despite that common desire our ways of meeting our interpersonal needs are vastly different, that I realize. Yet again, that variety is as dynamic and hard to pin down in San Francisco as it is in Pakarang (my current home as written in an email to me: “they call it Pakarang across from 7/11”, truer words were never spoken). On my first day at “work” I see myself back at ACP, struggling with my first day in the D.C. air-conditioning, although this time listening in on the staff meeting provides no knowledge of what the NGO is actually doing not to mention zero insight into the Burmese language. But all the feelings are the same: hesitant, well aware of my new kid status, and eager to please but somehow always falling short of satisfactory.
I have also begun to find in my short day and a half here that the NGOs I have had experience interacting with/learning about are in many many ways, the same. Strapped for cash, disorganized, and doing a lot of tiring work for seemingly small gains. Now to be clear, that is a very harsh critique of an organization I still know very little about and I am very strongly hoping I am able to turn my opinions around in the next few weeks. Despite hearing similar feelings of disillusionment from my other fellow volunteers, again, I hope my feelings will change.
Furthermore—I ask myself how much of the disillusionment I see around me is cultural and personal. How much of it is particular to the individuals who voice it and the culture they grew up in? Is it something that one can overcome, or something that should just be accepted (ie: NGO work just ain’t for me)? These thoughts run much deeper than just volunteer work and recently I have been asking: why did I choose to come here? What am I trying to accomplish? These questions don’t stem from the belief that running off to Thailand was a foolish idea, but I think their origin lies nearby.
Those who know me (or have ever eaten a meal with me in the d-hall) know that I am very, very indecisive. Chronically, and at times even debilitatingly so. I question every decision I make and every situation I find myself in, so it is not unnatural for me to question “how on earth I ended up plunked in the strangest room above a garage on a busy highway in middle of nowhere Thailand”. But in the process of writing this I’ve realized those thoughts do deserve space in my troubled and troubling psyche. Because if framed in a constructive way they could truly help me better understand why exactly I am here, what exactly I do want to accomplish, and how I hope to proceed as a friendly, forward-thinking individual. And it is not about manning up and dealing with the sleepless nights full of honking cars and barking dogs (not to mention crowing roosters, crying babies, rickety motorbikes…), although that is part of it. No, I think it is about finding the comfort in taking each day as it comes, situating my current preoccupations within a greater personal picture, and learning how to listen to that deepest personal instinct—open it up, bring it out to play and see how it does when it is freely shown the light of day.
pshah, the people reading your blog are reading it because they want to hear what you're thinking - no need to apologize for length ever. Good luck with your introspection - it's an important opportunity, methinks. Stay safe :)
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