A Poverty of the Mind

Dogs picking through trash.

(lots of dogs, lots of trash)

People trying to sell you things. Grabbing at your arm, smiling toothless smiles, “you come back, no? fifteen minutes? Oh, no? … how now?”

That sort of behavior just breaks me. After being hassled quite severely by a lady trying to give me a massage I had to come back to my room, click on the AC, and just sit. Despite the loneliness that has been plaguing my stomach since leaving the states, I would much rather be alone than surrounded by people talking at me rather than starting a conversation with me. They are constantly expecting something. Money.

It’s heartbreaking, although I try to remind myself—it’s their culture. That’s how things operate here, and this sweating desperation is just a way of life. They’re used to rejection, yet continue in their ways. But Lyss, I tell myself, they might be happy this way. Who am I to think that this is not a “good” way of life? That someone living this life must be empty in some way. If I am to picture the homelife of these Thai individuals I am not depressed. Despite seeing homes that hardly pass as shacks, knowing that many of them ostensibly live in a garbage heap. Yes, despite that knowledge I see happy people.

Yet from where do I presume this happiness arises? A lack of awareness, a lack of worldy knowledge, ignorance. these things, I think, are the answer.

Again, how presumptuous.

Left with these two options: happily and ignorantly living in squalor versus depressed because of the hand one’s been dealt, I frown. There must be a third answer. Aware of one’s position in life, but actively accepting it, owning one’s situation and thus creating happiness? I like this one best, but to be honest I saw it in only one individual yesterday. The man who smiled when I casually walked by. Feeling a little harassed after walking the gauntlet of hawkers, I was hesitant to return his smile. Luckily for this little blog post, that bothered him little and he spoke to me anyway, “slowly”, he said. “That’s better, slowly”. I had been walking too fast, and slowing down to hear his comment, I slowed down to the pace he found appropriate for a humid afternoon.

A rush of thoughts came to mind—dude, that was my leisure pace. And-- ohhh (ding-ding bells going off), do I really look that harried? Maybe I should really slow down. I ponder this option briefly, but am interrupted by the realization that I haven’t eaten in some time and the “ny minimart” sells ice cream, whereby I am subsequently jogging to my room to grab the few hundred baht to seal the deal. Oh well, lesson potential acknowledged, if not heeded just yet.

This anecdote is not meant to illustrate a point about Thai people or Thai culture, nor is it meant to illustrate anything about myself (though I’m sure you’ve already caught on to a few things). All there is to say right now is-- there are many, many different types of people in this world and making assumptions, while often necessary, can also easily get in the way. Accepting others as they are (in your eyes) is one thing, accepting them as they want to be accepted is another. It’s a cliché to say “open your eyes and you will see”, but I appreciate the reminder nonetheless.

PS- a little aside: again, perhaps it’s all perspective. I was greeted by so many cheerful smiles while jogging this AM at 6 through the Surinath National Nature Park that I (partially) regretted the assumptions I made in the blog post I’d just written. Everyone was eager to smile and say “maww-neen” in response to my cheerful “good morning!” Ah, so that’s the answer—RUN! and no one will try to scam you on anything!

PPS- slightly less self-evident post to follow. I’m still trying to figure out how to frame this budding business venture in my mind…

...Getting from There.... to Here.

I woke up this morning quite aware of the stench coming from my right armpit. Why my other armpit doesn’t stink is a mystery, but regardless I think the overall smelliness is here to stay for the duration… I think I’ve stunk more in the last 5 days than in all my years since puberty combined. And of course, what one item did I deliberately not pack? Deodorant, of course. I never stink, why would I start stinking in Thailand? Actually, I can trace this stink back to Newark, the first place I almost missed my flight (15 minutes between landing and the next take off). Houston didn’t help either (4 minutes between landing and the next take off). Follow that by missing my flight in SF and then of course Hong Kong, not sleeping or bathing for 50 hours, oh and that little “lost passport episode” thrown in for good measure.  Yes folks, I have seen hell and it reeks of urine and dim sum. The smell varies depending on which section of the Hong Kong airport you’re frequenting and since I didn’t eat anything the twelve hours I was there, you can take a guess at which scent I was more often exposed.

I won’t elaborate on how I missed my first flight (let’s just say there was a little AM-PM screw up and leave it at that) and ended up spending the night in the Hong Kong airport (first night in her 25 years on the job that all the hotels near the airport are booked according to the flight attendant with whom I shared a bench). Nor will I elaborate on how said flight attendant became the accused “passport THIEF!!” for one and half manic hours of my life. Manic is the only word to describe that frantic and crazed period of time, and while I managed to not only bring my poor mother to tears via a frantic skype call, but also learn that I was known by all desk clerks at Cathay Pacific as “that girl” (“you the one who already rebooked flight, you need rebook again!?”), at least I got a heartfelt handshake, hug, and kiss on the neck from the very happy (and helpful, if only for comfort) policeman at the little police station in Hong Kong airport. He left me with a “Godspeed child!” of sorts and I was off, running to catch the last flight on my trip to Thailand. And believe me, that is not elaborating. I have learned that at times I can be a bit of a… ditz, spazz, space case, and like my mother and sister, a bit “dingy” (I think Dad has now learned that word is no longer solely reserved for only Mom and Paige).

However, dingy-ness aside for a hot second, I am well rested on 14 hours of sleep and  waiting for the sun to rise over Phuket (so I went to bed at 3 pm, who can blame me!?). I plan on going for a jog by the beach to watch the sun rise, come back for a jump in the pool before breakfast opens at 7, and then I hope to get access to internet in the “lobby” (just an open air space under the stairs of the resort) so I can alert the fam to my safety and post my first blog post from Thailand!

A note on the title of my blog

Thailand is often colloquially known as the Land of Smiles. This is actually no surprise to me, based on common knowledge that Buddhists are generally a very happy people and Thailand is 95% Buddhist. In my Buddhism class Junior year (the one that first piqued my interest in traveling to Buddhist nations) my professor would often put up photos of Buddhist Gurus. Every time, she exclaimed at how happy these teachers were. It was true, rarely have I seen a more genuine or joyous grin. Their eyes twinkle with a knowledge that seems to teasingly say, “I know the secrets of life and this is what true happiness feels like. Come on in.”

I do think that Buddhism certainly has a connection to the smileyness of Thailand’s culture, however I’ve recently read that Thai people smile for a variety of reasons, from “I’m sorry I just gave you an accidental little love bump with my moped” to the smile that accompanies any fake-it-to-make-it attitude. Of course, upon brief reflection these reasons for smiling do have Buddhist underpinnings, but the point here is that not everyone in Thailand is happy-go lucky (derrr), yet they seem to have cultivated a happy outlook, despite times when the road gets rocky. For instance, the Buddhist guru Thich Nhat Hahn once said, “Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful”.

This attitude that says “smile no matter what” is a healthy one to maintain; when we were younger my Dad would always tell us that a quick smile was the key to life. Those who smile readily and often will be at an advantage. That is a lesson that has never left me, though some days I am better at heeding it than others. I’m sure there will be struggles when I’m in Thailand, so one of the best things I can remember to do is smile. Grin and bear it (or grin and bare it, depending on the situation… (kidding!)), fake it to make it, or just find reason to smile in all the beauty and happiness around me—at the end of the day, it’s only perspective that gets in our way.

So I’ll end this blog post with an apt quote— “there are hundreds of languages in this world, but a smile speaks them all.”

Welcome, Alyssa, to the Land of Smiles.

Waiting

“well it takes real guts to be alone

going head to head with the great unknown

but there is no greater sound, on this king’s road I’m bound

than just waiting for your chance to come”

-- I’m excited for Thailand, but for the past couple months, it’s been a waiting game. And truthfully— it is going to continue being a waiting game. I’ll be “doing”, I’ll be growing, learning new things, meeting new people, but always waiting. What for? Well—isn’t that the thing, though? We’re always waiting, and we never know what for. Finding out on your deathbed is a cliché, and an untrue one at that. So maybe the goal, or the optimal place, is to become at peace with this waiting. To gain peace with the intimidating scary-ocity of the next step. Not sitting on your ass and letting life happen to you, but embracing the wait. Enjoying the time spent between one step and the next, knowing that it’s never really about the steps themselves, but the time your foot spends in the air between each landing.